BBC’s Amol Rajan reveals he was so overwhelmed with grief after the death of his father that he had thoughts of suicide so he could ‘see my dad again’

• Rajan saw a ‘connection’ between ending his life and seeing his father again 
• P. Varadarajan died last year aged 76 after being hospitalised with pneumonia

The BBC’s Amol Rajan has said he was so overwhelmed with grief following his father’s death last year that he had thoughts of suicide.

The University Challenge host, 40, has told how, while walking to work over a bridge, he saw a ‘connection’ between ending his life and seeing his father again during a dark moment.

He said that, while he would have never taken action, he experienced an ‘unbearable agony’ to be with his father P. Varadarajan, who died last year at the age of 76 after being hospitalised with pneumonia.

‘I’ve never said this in public but – and I want to be very, very careful about how I say it for the obvious reasons because there’s a lot of guidelines about how we talk about it – but I thought about, not doing it, but suicide and God in a way I had never before,’ he said on Gabby Logan’s Mid Point podcast.

The BBC’s Amol Rajan with his father P. Varadarajan, who died last year at the age of 76 

‘I don’t at all by that mean that I would take action toward taking my own life.’ 

He said that he was presenting Radio 4’s Today programme in Southampton and was walking through a ‘very dark, very rainy’ part of the country at 3.15am.

‘And I walked over a bridge and there was a train track,’ he said.

‘I did think for the first time – and I’m not religious, I grew up in a religious family but I’m not religious at all – I did think that there was a connection between ending my life and seeing my dad again.

‘Because all I ever wanted was to see my dad again.’ 

He added: ‘That yearning, that unbearable agony to be in the presence of someone you’ve lost is an unimaginable pain and I did think about that a lot.

‘Just to be really clear, I never actually would have taken any action, I’ve never been what I call suicidal, but I made a connection in my mind between death and seeing someone again.’ 

He urged anyone else experiencing similar feelings to ‘speak to someone.’ 

Rajan said that he did try grief counselling but that it ‘didn’t work’ for him because he just ‘cried through’ all six of his sessions.

Rajan took over from Jeremy Paxman as the host of the BBC’s University Challenge this year

The journalist, who joined Today in 2021 and took over from Jeremy Paxman as the host of University Challenge this year, said he now contacts people he doesn’t know who have lost a parent – including King Charles.

‘I can’t believe I’m admitting this but when the Queen died I wrote to the King and got one of those generic nice responses back,’ he said.

‘There’s people in broadcasting… I don’t know them but I wrote to them; Michael Gove.

‘Trying to say to them, ‘You’re not alone, hope you’re OK, time will help you, the pain will get better, realise that other people have got through this.”

Rajan, who has four children under the age of seven with wife Charlotte Faircloth, has spoken about the affect of his insomnia on his mental health in the past.

‘Generally speaking – I haven’t said this in public before – generally speaking, I do the show [Today] having not really been to bed,’ he recently said.

‘But I do have an issue with lack of sleep which I’m trying to conquer and I figure the more I do programme the better I’ll get but I seem to keep having children.’

For confidential support call the Samaritans on 116123, or visit a local Samaritans branch. See samaritans.org

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